I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
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My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I hope this email finds you in a well
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
