I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
What flavor cupcake are these
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ