Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”