I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
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Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.