Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart