Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of goth is stopth.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

this is the best interaction on twitter

phew

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Heroic Misunderstanding

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

They’re not wrong

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.