I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number