I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.


no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead


No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don’t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March….. I got this.


me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that


Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.


According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”


*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.


*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*


Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails