There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
You Might Also Like
no caffeine: day 6
-can’t think straight
-3 people are dead
“Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me.” -Alcohol
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don’t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March….. I got this.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, “I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store.”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails