I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My Plans 2020
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?