I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
A double negative is a big no-no.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
There is wisdom there.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
