I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.