Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this