Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

Hey i am sexy to you now

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it