I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Jesus Christ lmao
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
😍😂🥰😂😍
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you