Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing