Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

😂🍻

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.