Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

When can I start eating bats again.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche