Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.