I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
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Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
perfect
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
