I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
You Might Also Like
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.