I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
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I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
how to market bottled water to dads
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
cat vs inanimate object
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?