Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

*orders delivery*

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.

They wanted to talk to me about cheeses

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes