I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
What a year we’ve had this week.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
From my Mom
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table