Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:

“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you