I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I’m literally crying
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Weighing up my bread heating options
