Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

This kid will have a bright future.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot