Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Cheers Twitter.

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.