I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down