I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
#polloftheday
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs