Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

[home depot]

ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock

HER: Boulder

ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids

[the seventh day]

God: *walks in wearing bangs*

Angel: maybe you should rest

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

That’s no pocket rocket.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

this got me crying😭😭

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”