I’m the neighbor
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Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA