I’m the neighbor
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sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Saw online –
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded