Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

Yup!

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History