“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
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team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*