I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
That time Alicia messaged me
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
We’ve all been there…
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.