I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
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“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.