I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Kermit goes Blue.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”