Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
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Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.