Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

Drive like no one is watching.

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

Dishonest mechanic?

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Sex so good you see dead people.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?