Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

My dress code is business-casualty.