I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
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I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
mom gave me mine for free
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?