I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
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Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
They got a point!
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.