Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

[Adopts emotional support dog]

Me: *Vents*

Dog: Runs away*

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

What my back needs

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?