I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
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Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
BRO LMFAO
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.