I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
You Might Also Like
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
You are what you delete.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait