I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
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WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
oh you wanna fight?!
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit