I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
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Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling