Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Oh.
You have a boyfriend

But…
can he do this…

( flexes flab )

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval