I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
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PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn