Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

never stops being funny

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs