I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover