Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Just parrot things

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth

Interview Tip #3

speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself

[later]

Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?

Me: *confidently* nothing

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

Ritually cleansing* the new house

*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals

Noah was an idiot.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses