Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

Husbands and wives who never fight,

How does your house get cleaned?

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

HER: I love Deadpool

ME: I love Dead Pool

HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?

ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.