Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

LOOOOOOL

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

You got this…

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.

911: What’s your emergency?

I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!

911: Are you being tortured?

They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair

911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to