I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
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I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!