I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂