Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.