Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?