I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
yeah no that’s fair
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
excuse me
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.