Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

That’s what I call a flat tire

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here

Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.