Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

This will never not be funny 😭

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

My age is news to me every single time I remember

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel