I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
!!!!!!!!!!!
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again