I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
whatcha thinkin bout
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks