Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out