I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
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“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
This is the best one I’ve seen
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point