I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
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My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕