dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Awwwww shit.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
buys donuts instead