Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”

“maroon 5”

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*