Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.