I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
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That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!