Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.

who called it hell and not heaven’t

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.

To let me know when I am wrong.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Real bees work best

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked