I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
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[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.