Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

Got ya covered

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

*puts cutlery down*

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

The prophecy is fulfilled

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*

SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment

Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.