Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

Battery falling down a hole

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow