I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
You Might Also Like
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
That was easy.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*