I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?